The void

I thought I would share with y'all our current situation. Jacob is now stationed at Fort McClellan in Alabama. He is there as part of his final training as a Commissioning Officer in the U.S. Army. The training that he is participating in is called Accelerated OCS. Tennessee originally had 400+ candidates for this training, they then narrowed it to 42, and only 5 of them made it to Fort McClellan, Jacob is one of the five. The training is an intense, abbreviated version of the Federal program that is usually used. We will have no contact with him while he is gone, with the exception of possibly a phone call as a reward for outstanding performance. Most mornings he will be out of bed by 4am and not go back to bed till 11:30. The program is intended to create "false stress", which is basically a combination of sleep depravation, lots of physical training, and overload in new information. The point of this training to see how the candidates adapt to decision making and leadership in a very stressful situation. An Officer in the Army will be in command of anywhere from 100's - 1,000's of troops depending on their rank. It is critical that they be able to handle the demands of the position. This training also has very high failure rate. Jacob and I have prayed constantly for the last year about this step in the training process. We know that he is capable of all that is required .

It has been a little over a week since Jacob left. The first day or so was really lonely, but we have been trying to stay busy because in my experience it is easier to adjust when you keep a momentum. I wish I could say that there was one thing that is hardest for me, but right now it all seems hard. I have to change my schedule to do all the chores that he usually does, like trash and feeding the dogs, and taking care of the cars. I am constantly fielding Cale's questions about "where is daddy? and "go get daddy!" and I find myself lost in personal though that I would usually share with him. I would do just about anything to hear his voice right now, to know that he is ok. To hear about how he is coping with all the demands and to be able to tell him that I am praying for him constantly (although he already knows that!).

My four legged child...

Last Monday, Jacob and I noticed that our Black lab, Balan (Bay-lynn), had a strange place on her hindquarters. It was kinda like a bite or maybe a rash, and it obviously was irritating her because she was gnawing at it. Jacob held her down while I searched her thick coat and we found two other places that felt like wounds. They had very think scabs on them like they were old, but we had never seen them before, so that was really perplexing. We cleaned them with alcohol and decided to watch and see for a day or so if they were getting worse. Well on Tuesday the place on her hindquarters had been gnawed so much that she had a hairless patch about the size of an orange. Since Jacob was leaving, I promised him that I would take her to the vet soon. I made an appointment and took her in Thursday ( of course the only time they had available was smack in the middle of nap time). After about 10 mi of the discussing the possibilities, I remembered that Balan had been to the farm the week before and had come back covered in mud and manure (lovely!). The vet said he needed to shave her and and get a scrape of the wounds and look at in under a microscope...about ten minutes later he brought her back looking like this. After discussion with the senior vet they decided that she has Blastomyosis. Blastomyosis is a parasite that lives in the soil in Tennessee, and it can apparently enter the blood stream through a cut in the skin. It is somewhat rare and they only see about one case a year. It is much harder to spot in large animals and animals with lots of fur. The progression of the disease is unique, it starts with weeping wounds on the skin, then progresses to weeping wounds in the lungs, and then on to the eyes. If its not caught before it gets to the eyes the chances of survival are pretty slim. After a chest x-ray they determined that her lungs were not yet effected and that a aggressive antibiotic and antifungal would probably do the job. So I now have to feed her 10 pills twice a day hidden in cheese. She's been a real trooper, no whining or crying just those sad "I don't feel good" eyes. Just one more adventure to keep me from getting bored...hahaha

Not for the faint of heart

Yesterday evening we loaded up the car and headed to the base. Although I have been walking around with a lump in my throat for days anticipating this goodbye, I managed to keep myself together most of the day. We have a goodbye tradition of eating at Martin's BBQ because it's our favorite. So last night we headed out to Nolensville to get some ribs. Unfortunately when we got to Martins.....it wasn't there!! (Apparently it is moving to a new location and hasn't opened yet) Why do people have to mess with a good thing????! So, we decided to go back towards Nashville and find somewhere else. We saw a Jets pizza sign and thought it was about time that we tried "everyone's" favorite pizza. We pulled up and it was a delivery only location! No seating! Of course, by now Cale is pretty much starving and so we decided to roll with the punches. We ordered a pizza and ate it in the car. Not quite the goodbye dinner I had planned, but we all got fed and spent a little extra time together and thats what really matters.

Afterwards we drove out to the base and located the right baracks. Jacob unloaded his stuff and let Cale "help" him carrie it all inside. (each bag ways 75+ pounds, so you can imagine that was a sight!) Cale noticed that there was an "awplane" (airplane) behind the barracks. HE got so excited! He kept asking Jacob if he worked on an airplane and wanted to go see it. ( apparently they use it for training or something) So, if he tells you that his dad works on an airplane, thats why. He also thought the potty's were "pretty." hahahaha

We said our goodbyes and left. As we were driving off Cale said "mommy are you crying?", and ofcourse those sweet words just made me cry harder.. "Mommy why are you crying?".... I tried to explain that I was ok and that I just missed daddy. "Mommy, don't cry, be...(pause).... nice."...well that did it.. I started laughing.. as he struggled to find the correct word..."no...mommy be happy, be happy mommy."... I told him i was ok and that I was just crying a little. "Mommy, I know what you need, you need Pooh and blankie".....and that did it again! I started sobbing because it was just so sweet and tender and he handed me his pooh and blankie to wipe my tears. For the rest of the way home he would just say "its gonna be ok mommy". Although I wasn't exactly a mess when I pulled away, hearing my sweet baby try to comfort me was both a blessing and a trigger. I wanted him to know I was ok, but I also know that I can't shield him from sadness. When I put him in bed he said "mommy I love you, don't cry anymore", I was glad it was dark in his room. These moments are the times that I know I wouldn't survive this world without God.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted; he rescues those whose spirit are crushed." Psalm 34:18